testing.

4 minutes passed midnight, it's now christmas.

you have made me the saddest girl tonight. i was supposed to go to the church with you, i know im stupid, im a fool, im stuck and i can't get out of it. i started calling since this morning, you weren't there, thought you might've forgotten, or out, but there was not one phone call, not a single one, now i know you didn't forget, you did it on purpose, but why? why couldn't you be the person you've been. even when you're outside you check voice messages, so i know you definitely got my messages. i need an answer, i know you're prolly with her, like i've predicted sooo many times you're BACK with her or spending your christmas with her, but you've made plans with me FIRST. you didn't even bother to cancel. i waited for you outside in the rain for 5 hours, wearing my boots and drank alcohol, mixed with weed, it wasn't a good mix, i was tired wet and mostly devestated, i'm obsessed and i really really need therapy.....i can't go on with my life without a little of you in it. my pathetic life, you fucking scum and i need you, just for a little bit. or i can't go on anymore, i can't.

i just lost everything. everything on my computer, all the data, music, work, memories, i lost everything, every bit and piece of what was precious to me.
this year, i lost my goodluck ring, my wallet, my own beautiful room, my lover who never loved me, my hopes, now the only thing i had from which i seek comfort everyday is completely corrupted, it's the only place where i can be myself. gone.

this is how it feels to live without a soul.

i HATE you, hate you so goddamn much it's almost causing me brain dead. the thought of you, your voice, your words, the way you plead disgusts me, your fucking face revolts me. you always need 'someone' to talk to, you don't need 'me'. but you don't waste any fucking time do you? one day you come to me the next it's her, the next is your drugged-up crush. what the FUCK is wrong with me for liking you in the first place? you're a fucking loser, cheater, coward, underachiever and you will never change, forget it! you won't! you might have instant satisfaction from jabbing your dick into her every now and then but i want you to KNOW that i will be fucking someone else just as hard and i'm loving every second of it. every time you tell her you love her, every time you look deeply into her eyes feeling that warm fuzzy feelings, every time you're reaching climax on the sheets i bought you, KNOW that i'm hating you to the bones and one day, you will be judged.

this is exactly what i needed: 5 Simple Rules.

nothing can make me stronger than this, than you, than you writing her to say "i love you i always will no matter what happens even if i find someone new you will always have a place in my heart i love you..."

you pathetic fucked-up slag.

on the phone he said, "if our friendship lasts, when the day you're married and have kids, when you for sure won't be mine again, i might regret what i had missed..."



for sure i won't be yours again, not anymore.

there's a song stuck in my head it's singing to me wherever i go whenever....